


strawberry season

by freecsslikeme



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Death, F/F, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:14:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27189854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freecsslikeme/pseuds/freecsslikeme
Summary: you win some, you lose some. you fall in love with someone who reminds you of the color pink and the slight smell of strawberries. you crawl back to reality and your mind is filled with nothing but red. happiness comes to all, just in different ways. eventually, sadness creeps in. many don't believe it, but it's very possible to die from a broken heart.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, tsukkiyama
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

it was like every other winter morning in the miyagi prefecture. cold and dull. kind of reminded him of himself at times. tsukishima kei is the ideal volleyball player. not only is he good at everything he does, but he makes sure to have others notice their flaws through his actions. in fact, he was the walking definition of an ace. not only in volleyball, but in his studies too. he was good at every subject, studied meticulously, sucked up to the right people, and was overall everything that any other person would want to be. his personality seemed to be a bit frigid, but under that he was nothing but a sweetheart. of course, he didn’t let many people see that side of him, but when he did it was one hell of an experience. as tsukishima slowly counted his steps on his way to school, he could hear a faint pitter-patter. as he looked up, he saw a boy with dark green hair (or at least that’s what it looked like in the sun) slowly jogging in the same direction he was going. he squinted a bit to study the back of the boy, seeing if he could recognize him from the lack of exposure he was given. the noises coming from the other boy's feet were starting to piss him off a bit, having him notice that every once in a while the boy would lose his footing and start off on another rhythm instead of keeping the same one. tsukishima grimaced and began to walk a little faster in hopes to pass the stranger in front of him. as he slowly approached, the boy slowed down a bit and tsukishima hesitated. he went back to looking at his feet in order to count his steps once again, breathing a bit heavy from the slight panic he had gained and the pace he seemed to be going at. he had lost his rhythm after worrying so much about the stupid stranger in front of him. he let out a small growl before stopping suddenly. that was, until the boy that was in-front of him (behind him?) suddenly crashed into his shoulder, nearly pushing him over, “oh my gosh, i’m  _ so  _ sorry! i guess i just wasn’t watching where i was going. i apologize!” tsukishima snarled and turned to look the boy in the face. his cheeks were bright red and covered in light (but very noticeable) freckles. his eyes were soft and he looked very welcoming. he was definitely smaller than tsukishima, yet nearly sent the poor boy flying when they collided. he had a bit of a frown on his face, and the way his eyes looked made him look like he was a mere few seconds away from bursting into tears. tsukishima let out a small chuckle and sighed, “watch where you’re going next time. might save you some trouble.” he turned immediately to continue his journey to school when he felt somebody tug at his sweater sleeve, “what do you want?” he muttered, showing a definite disinterest in whatever this idiot was about to tell him. 

“you didn’t accept my apology.” the other boy pouted.  _ are you kidding me?! i have more important things to worry about, and you’re worrying about me not accepting your apology?  _

“and? i told you to be more careful as to where you’re going. i don’t think much more needs to be said.”  _ god, just get me out of this conversation. i’m about to be late. _

“you can’t just tell me that you’re okay with it? like, it wouldn’t hurt you to say that, tsukishima kei.”  _ what the hell? how does this guy even know my name? _

“do i know you from somewhere?” tsukishima was startled at this rate. it’s like this guy had been stalking him. he didn’t know who he was but it’s like this boy knew everything about him just by saying his name. 

“we’re in the same volleyball club. my name is yamaguchi tadashi. i just recently joined, but i managed to learn everybody’s name pretty quickly. you’re pretty good at what you do. but still, can you just accept the apology? i won’t let it go until you do.” 

_ man. he didn’t have to tell me his entire life story with volleyball.  _

“fine. it’s okay. now i have to go. this conversation just stalled me by 15 minutes, and it somehow managed to take off 15 years of my life too.” tsukishima sighed and turned back around, speeding up to make it in time and get rid of the weirdo that was behind him. yamaguchi sped up as well, interrogating him on how he feels about volleyball and what he does at school. tsukishima replied to every query with 6 words or less, hoping to keep the conversation to a minimum. yamaguchi was spewing questions like a broken water hose. tsukishima was annoyed, yet slightly interested as to how the boy managed to keep a conversation this long. it was honestly quite fascinating.

  
  
  


“you’ve been super late to dinner for the past two weeks, kei. what on earth have you been doing after practice?”

tsukishima looked at his brother with fixed eyes. he wasn’t sure how to tell him that he had met someone on his way to class about a month ago and has spent hours talking to him after practice. hell, he even walked the boy home. 

“some of the other players stay after. i’ve been practicing my blocks recently. we have some intense matches soon and i want to make sure that i know what i’m doing.”

_ fuck. i think he could tell i lied a bit.  _

“oh, sweet! mom’s just been a bit worried and that’s why i asked. hope things are going well with karasuno. hopefully you’re no longer the wingless crows!”

“yeah.”

tsukishima shuffled over to his room, closing and locking the door behind him. he stared at the slightly open window and felt the cool breeze rush in. he sighed heavily and opened his laptop. the first thing he immediately saw once he opened it was a picture of the boy he met. yamaguchi tadashi. it was a picture of him eating one of the buns from the convenience store they always stop by on their way home. he was smiling with his freckled-covered cheeks red as a strawberry. the single standing piece of his green hair adding onto the strawberry look. tsukishima smiled back at the photo. he never really feels like this towards anyone (at least, he hasn’t felt like this towards anyone in a while) and when he does, he gets a bit over-excited about it all. he was daydreaming for a second before he heard the loud notification noise from his laptop blare. 

**yams:** hey tsukki~ remember that movie i said i was going to send you? i found it! it’s called ‘all the bright places’. i think you’d like it! it’s based off of a book, and i know you like reading!

that’s right. they talked about movies they had seen before and gave full reviews of each. it’s funny considering tsukishima gave him movies like  _ ready player one  _ and  _ spiderman: into the spiderverse  _ and yamaguchi gave him movies like  _ then came you  _ and  _ us and them.  _ tsukishima constantly refrained from telling yamaguchi much about himself, though. he loved hearing yamaguchi go on and on about how he grew up watching movies and how he wishes that some day he could become a big name director. he wanted so badly to tell yamaguchi that he could follow all of his dreams and if he could, he would make them happen in an instant. as long as he can always see that smile on his face. he would be able to see the sparkles in his eyes when he sees his name on the big screen. everything about yamaguchi was perfect to him, and it had only been a couple weeks of them seeing each other. tsukishima was daydreaming once again, being interrupted by the sudden realization that he had to come back to reality. 

_ do you really think yamaguchi feels the same way about you? _

_ i doubt that. _

_ you rarely talk about yourself. there’s nothing interesting about you. _

_ books? really? that’s what he picked up on? nothing else? how dull. _

_ no wonder nobody has liked you. _

_ he won’t like you, anyway. even if you do open up to him. _

he shook off these thoughts. he couldn’t let himself plague his relationship with yamaguchi. he wanted to keep going on with him. if it was anything, anyway. they were just talking. in fact, they acted more like best friends than anything else. sure, they held hands every once in a while and tsukishima gave yamaguchi those loving stares whenever they did something together, but it was nothing super serious. just some stuff that friends would most likely do. tsukishima always sees daichi and sugawara doing the same stuff and they don’t seem to be romantically interested. 

_ but they are. isn’t it obvious? you’re jealous because you want the same thing. _

_ you can’t have it. you aren’t capable of love.  _

_ you’re cold and you’re insecure. _

_ he’s warm and full of light. _

_ you’re dark. _

_ you’re nothing, tsukishima kei. _

_ you’re a shell of a person. that is all you’ll ever be. _

_ and yamaguchi can see right through you. _

tsukishima slammed his laptop closed, his headache slowly starting to grow and tears welling up in his eyes. he can feel the white noise in his brain begin to get louder, and his hands started shaking. what was he doing? was he really feeling something for someone? and why was it yamaguchi, of all people? couldn’t he have just caught feelings for that first-year manager for the volleyball club or something? couldn’t he just have not studied the way yamaguchi looked at him when they were together? couldn’t his mind just not be filled with the way he smelled and looked like a strawberry?

tsukishima felt himself lighting up. just like a fire. he stopped breathing for a second. he wiped his eyes with his sleeves and sighed aloud, hoping to let go of everything that just happened.

_ did i just have an anxiety attack? what the hell was that? _

he sighed once again and rose from his bed. he turned his lamp off and crawled right back under his covers, letting out yet another sigh and feeling his heart rate slow. he closed his eyes and let sleep take over.

_ he’s warm. _

_ and you’re cold.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually dont know. my hands are cold. i wanted to write this fic in a nice little cafe with my coffee by my side and my tired eyes begging to be closed. before you read, please keep in mind that there is implied mental illness. i myself deal with the same thing that's implied, so i wanted to make something beautiful out of it. bring awareness to mental illness in young adults, especially teenagers! i hope you enjoy reading, and please leave kudos! it gives me inspiration to write more. :)


	2. Chapter 2

tsukishima immediately shot up, realizing he had continued pressing snooze on his alarm. as he rushed to get ready, he saw the multiple text messages from yamaguchi sitting on his laptop.

**yams:** did you get to watch the movie? i hope you did! i was hoping to talk to you about it today.

**yams:** ah, i didn’t even notice the time. it’s nearly 3am. hope you’re sleeping well tsukki~

**yams:** oh, i completely forgot to ask! do you want to come over for dinner tomorrow? my mom invited you over.

**yams:** she wondered why i was a bit late almost everyday for the past few weeks and i was honest, lol.

**yams:** my bad. i know you don’t like multiple text messages. goodnight! sleep tight!

_ but i love them when they’re from you. _

a smile crept across his face. he immediately wiped it off after realizing what he was doing. he couldn’t have started to catch feelings. no, not yet. sloppily tying his shoes, he ran out of the door and saw yamaguchi waiting at the corner. his heart rate slowly started to speed up.

“hi tsukki! you’re kind of late. you look like you just woke up!”

“yeah, i kinda did. now hurry up, we’re gonna be late to class.”

yamaguchi watched him walk past him and smiled. tsukishima felt it. but he wouldn’t accept it. there was absolutely no way that yamaguchi could catch feelings for a guy like him. it was nearly impossible.

* * *

once the final bell rang, tsukishima sped out of the classroom doors and headed towards the volleyball courts. he was humming a song to himself before being interrupted by his fellow teammates, hinata and kageyama. 

“you guys, the courts aren’t even that far away. why are you idiots running?”

“it’s a contest! i’m definitely faster!” he could hear hinata’s shrill scream and it left him with a slight annoyance. 

“no, i’m faster! i pass you in many things, including height!” kageyama was smart, but not in the way tsukishima liked. he was good at playing volleyball. he wasn’t very good at doing his work, though. hearing the both of them talk was like listening to nails on a chalkboard. he couldn’t argue with them, though. kageyama was fantastic when it came to setting and hinata was even better when it came to spiking. there’s a reason they were called monsters on the court. as tsukishima rolled his eyes in response to the two boys, he heard another set of screams. he turned to see a couple of second years, nishinoya and tanaka. both of them were seeing who could yell louder. that’s all it was, a competition with his teammates. 

he had a competition of his own, except it was with himself. 

as soon as he entered the building, yamaguchi noticed him and greeted him with a smile, “tsukki! do you wanna practice with me? i wanted to work a bit more on my jump float serve!” tsukishima pushed his glasses up and nodded. seeing yamaguchi practice his serves was fun to him. seeing the boy improve brought him joy. 

_ look at him, how happy volleyball makes him. _

_ you could never make him that happy. you’re ridiculous.  _

_ you’re nothing to him. you’re just another teammate to him. _

tsukishima was lost in a daze of his own thoughts, being brought back to reality once he felt a ball hit the back of his head.

he turned violently to see yamaguchi looking at him with fearful eyes. his glare softened, and he sighed. “ah, sorry tsukki! i didn’t mean to hit you! i know you don’t li–” 

“it’s okay, yamaguchi. just don’t do it again.”

* * *

on their way to yamaguchi’s house, yamaguchi told him about the plot to the movie he recommended. 

“i know that love stories aren’t your type of thing, but i promise you, this movie is really  _ really  _ good! i know that you’d like it! something about it reminds me of us. i think it’s the fact that they’re just really good friends, and they like doing out-of-the-box things together!”

_ there it is, tsukishima. _

_ just what you needed. _

_ you’re just friends. sure, really good friends, but just friends.  _

tsukishima’s slight smile turned into a frown, and yamaguchi seemed to notice. 

“n-not that it’s bad or anything. um, oh look! we’re here!”

yamaguchi opened the door to the house, taking his shoes off as soon as he entered.

“mom! we’re home!”

his mother appeared from the kitchen and greeted both boys with a smile, “hello! you must be tsukki, right? tadashi talks about you all the time!”

a blush appeared on yamaguchi’s cheeks and he turned to hide his face. tsukishima bowed and let out a slight laugh, “yes, that’s me. it’s very nice to meet you!” 

_ talks about you, huh? _

_ how great of a friend you are? _

_ he’s lying. _

yamaguchi grabbed tsukishima’s jacket sleeve and pulled him upstairs, “we’ll be down for dinner!” yamaguchi leads him into his bedroom, which is covered in video games and volleyball posters. his karasuno uniform also hung on the wall.

“wow, pretty nice room.” 

_ really? that’s what you had to say? idiot. _

“yeah, sorry for the mess. i was prepared for you to come over, but not completely.” yamaguchi giggled, and sat down on his bed. tsukishima followed suit, sitting a bit farther from him.

“do i smell or something?”

_ yeah, you do. like strawberries. _

“no, i just feel awkward. i rarely go to other houses besides my own, you know what i mean?”

“y-yeah. i’d like to visit your house some day.”

_ oh? _

tsukishima smiled and began to scoot closer to yamaguchi. yamaguchi found his opening and immediately pushed himself closer to tsukishima, their faces inches from each other. tsukishima felt the air between them grow tense. he wasn’t sure if he was absolutely terrified or excited. it was a mix of both emotions. so much was going through his mind. were they about to kiss? was he about to experience the second coming of christ? what was going to hap–

_ oh my god. _

yamaguchi was in front of tsukishima, eyes closed and face redder than a strawberry. his lips were touching the others. tsukishima was shocked. he pulled back, seeing yamaguchi panic and hide, “w-wait...tsukki! i’m sorry! i just...sorry!” tsukishima felt his face get hot. he smiled and eventually started laughing, “no! it’s okay! i was just caught by surprise, you know. we’ve only been hanging out a few weeks and i guess i just wasn’t expecting it. if you want, we can do it again?” 

_ look at you. how desperate.  _

he shook his head and looked back at yamaguchi. his eyes were filled with galaxies. the way his freckles lined up perfectly across his cheeks were beautiful. the way his hair perfectly fell on the sides of his face, and his nose was adorable. tsukishima went back in for a kiss, and yamaguchi agreed. he wasn’t sure as to what to do next, so he tried his best to move his hands to hold yamaguchi’s. they both felt a sense of panic and pulled back. 

“boys, dinner!”

yamaguchi jumped up hearing his mother’s voice. he grabbed tsukishima by the sleeve again and pulled him downstairs, slowly making his way down the steps so he wouldn’t trip.

“you know, you’re a really great kisser. let’s do that again sometime.”

* * *

tsukishima waved goodbye to yamaguchi and his mother, slowly walking backwards from the doorway and thinking about what happened that night. it was absolutely unbelievable. he was head over heels. he hadn’t felt this happy in forever. it’s like someone lit a firework in the pit of his stomach and it was currently going off. as he ran home, he felt the cool breeze lifting him up. he was ecstatic. as soon as he got home, he ran upstairs and locked his door. laying down, he pulled his phone out.

**[me]:** hey, i had a lot of fun. i hope you sleep well. gn!

immediately, there was an answer.

**yams:** oh, i did too! sleep well, prince. :)

tsukishima smiled. he hadn’t felt this well about something in forever.

_ jokes on you, tsukishima kei. _

_ happiness doesn’t last. _

_ especially for you. _

_ enjoy it while you can. _

_ because soon, you’ll be back at square one. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this chapter from 2-4am. i was eating hot cheetos and watermelon sour patch kids. hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i did writing it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey, wanna be boyfriends?

_ you’re nothing.  
_ _ that kiss? was absolutely nothing. it meant nothing to him now, it’ll mean nothing to him later.  
_ _ wake up, tsukki.  
_ _ you’re in a nightmare.  
_ _ he’s not yours.  
_ _ he’ll never be yours.  _

tsukishima woke up in a cold sweat. something about the events of yesterday left him nothing but startled. he wasn’t sure if anything about it was real or not.  
he slowly started getting ready for class, looking at himself in the mirror. tsukishima was a tall boy, standing at 189cm. he was pretty attractive, too. 

_ you look weird when you walk next to him. you’re scary.  
_ _ you’re tall. it’s uncomforting.  _

tsukishima turned around and sighed aloud, grabbing his bags and walking straight out of his bedroom. he grabbed a protein bar and walked downstairs, slipping on his shoes and running straight out of the door. as soon as he steps out, he sees yamaguchi standing there, scrolling on his phone with one earphone in.

“hey, yams.”  
“tsukki!”   
yamaguchi smiled brightly, pulling tsukishima by the hand and pulling him in close. he began to walk and was immediately pulled back by the other boy. “what’s wrong?”   
tsukishima shakes his head and walks along with yamaguchi. yamaguchi didn’t understand why he paused, but he continued on. tsukishima seemed to be a bit off today and even if yamaguchi tried asking, he know he’d receive another head shake. he seemed to always be like this. he refused to talk about himself and everything they discussed was about yamaguchi, never about tsukishima. he had dozens of questions and none of these questions seemed to have answers. eventually yamaguchi would get around to asking him about it all, but he never knew when that day would exactly come. tsukishima was good at keeping himself locked up, even if yamaguchi was given the key.   
“you know, you can come to be about anything, tsukki. i promise, i’m not going to judge you for anything. you mean a lot to me and i’m making it as apparent as i can. but it’s alright, take your time. i understand.” yamaguchi smiled and continued looking forward. 

_ look at you, making others worry about you.  
_ _ that’s how bothersome you are. _

* * *

tsukishima was watching yamaguchi talk to the other first years. hinata and kageyama seemed super happy - in fact, happier than usual. he really couldn’t put his finger on it, but he was a bit jealous. they were touchy and they had a warming presence. he wanted the same thing with yamaguchi. he wanted to be able to hold his hands when they talked to each other and to give him little nose kisses whenever he did something perfect (which by the way, was all the time). tsukishima wanted an endless summer, winter, spring, and fall with that boy. he just wanted to experience what it was like to hold the entire world in your hands.   
“hey, tsukki! do you wanna help me and shoyo work on our serves with tobio?”   
he was pulled out of the trance he was in to focus on yamaguchi. 

_ imagine if he was your boyfriend.  
_ _ you wouldn’t be deserving of him, anyway. _

“yes, i would.” tsukishima whispered to himself. “what?” yamaguchi questioned, getting closer to the boy, “hey, is everything alright? if you’re not feeling well, i can take you home.”   
tsukishima shook his head. he didn’t want to go home. that meant less time next to the boy of his dreams. “i’ll help, but don’t expect any compliments, shoyo.” he saw hinata jump for joy and run to the other side of the gym. he didn’t know how kageyama found something in him, but maybe it was the way hinata seemed to complete kageyama’s internal puzzle. 

tsukishima was tired. exhausted. usually practice wouldn’t take so much out of him - but today, something was a bit different. it may have been the way he was overthinking everything, or how he was weirdly analyzing kageyama and hinata’s relationship. he pulled over to the sidelines and began to drink his water. damn, it was like this water had been served to him on a gold platter by god himself. it was amazing. 

“you know, maybe you should just tell him, tadashi. it won’t hurt anybody.”  
“i-i know, but i don’t want to rush things. it’s hard. i can tell he’s getting distant, shoyo. i don’t want to make his life worse with this news.”  
“it’s not going to make it worse! you need to be honest with hi-”  
“what’s this all about?” tsukishima interrupted, yamaguchi and hinata looking at him with surprise.   
“nothing. it’s in regards to the coach. c’mon tsukki, you seem tired from today’s practice.” yamaguchi grabbed his hand and their bags, running out of the gym. tsukishima looked back to see hinata with a slight worried look on his face. 

_ it was probably about the fact that you’re clingy and annoying.  
_ _ yeah, it would make your life worse - but at least you’d be aware, right? _

tsukishima pulled back from yamaguchi, stopping the other boy in his tracks.  
“what was that, yams? what were you talking about?”   
yamaguchi sighed and turned to face tsukishima. his eyes were watery and his cheeks were a bright red. he looked like a strawberry. only this time, tsukishima wasn’t looking at that - he was looking at the tears welling up in his eyes.  
“listen, tsukki. i have been holding this from you for a while. but i have feelings for you. i have for a while, anyway. i don’t know if it’s obvious, maybe it is, but you really make me happy. i don’t know how to use my words well and this is honestly quite rushed - but when i say that you’re the thing that wakes me up in the morning and the thing that keeps me up at night, i mean it.”  
tsukishima had millions of thoughts running through his head. he leaned down a bit to plant a kiss on yamaguchi’s forehead, watching the boy’s eyes widen.   
“i feel the same, tadashi.”  
yamaguchi began to laugh. actually, it was more of a mix of laughter and wheezing. tsukishima didn’t know what to do. he just stared at yamaguchi go through the different stages of grief, or something like that.  
“so, do you want to be boyfriends?”  
it was like a piercing scream went through tsukishima’s head. he heard bells ringing, sirens going off, and bombs exploding. he nodded calmly. however, in his head, he was throwing an entire party.   
“i-okay! let’s go home, boyfriend.” yamaguchi had a skip in his walk, just like he did when they first met. he was holding tsukishima’s hand so hard that his knuckles were white. tsukishima, on the other hand, was feeling many things at the moment. he was walking with a skip as well. he hadn’t felt this happy in a while. 

* * *

as soon as they arrived to tsukishima’s house, yamaguchi frowned. “i don’t want you to go, but it’s pretty late. you also need to eat and get sleep.”   
tsukishima chuckled and kissed yamaguchi on his forehead once again, watching the boy grow bright red. it really did compliment his freckles, and the way it went with his dark green hair was evidence that he was just a walking strawberry. “i know. i don’t want you to go either, but you have to do the same. i’ll see you tomorrow morning, okay?”   
tsukishima sounded so sincere. he’d never heard himself care so much about a person. yamaguchi jumped up a bit and kissed tsukishima on the cheek. he waved goodbye and turned the corner, disappearing from tsukishima’s line of sight. as he turned the corner, yamaguchi felt a weight escape from his chest. in fact, it was like everything escaped at once. his chest felt tight again, and the lump in his throat came back.   
“tadashi, not now. at least make it home.”  
he ran enough to reach his home gate, and took a deep breath. walking into the house, he saw his mother.   
“how was it today, tadashi? i hope it went well!” his mother had a smile on her face. suddenly, her face was filled with panic. her son was on the floor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao, sorry for a bit of a cliffhanger. this took me a while to finish. like, 2 months. i drank a monster and suddenly got the inspiration to finish the chapter. sorry if it's short, but school's starting soon~ hope you all had a wonderful christmas and new year!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hospitals are so dull. no color or smell to them. yamaugchi realizes that he’ll be visiting this place more with the sickness he’s gotten. however, how is he supposed to tell his boyfriend about this? and why hasn’t his mother said anything about it, either?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! this chapter includes hospitalization, so if you have anything wrong with that please skip this chapter! you can read the chapter summary in order to find out what happens :) it's kind of vague (i don't want to spoil) so i'm sorry about that! no death this chapter, so don’t worry! i would also like to let you know that this chapter is all in yamaguchi’s point of view, however it’s written in third person. enjoy!

the lights from the led bulbs above him burned into his closed eyelids. the beeping from the machines were deafening. the never-ending chest pain was like a fire that never seemed to go out. the migraine in the back of his head seemed to grow. he hated this - whatever it was. the doctors couldn’t tell what it was, even when he was a child. he’d go weeks feeling just fine and then all of a sudden it was like the world came down on him in an instant. a possibility for it all - at least that’s what the doctors told him and his mother - was that he had a case of arrhythmia. that would explain the random chest pains every once in a while and the sudden dizziness he’d experience during practice.   
yamaguchi’s purpose for joining the volleyball team was to meet new people and to look past his sickness. his sickness didn’t affect him as much when he was younger, so why would he suddenly quit his life to focus on it? thanks to the volleyball club, he was able to meet tsukishima.  _ god, there it is. the pain. again.  _ he took a deep breath and opened his eyes to see his mother staring at him. she looked afraid and stressed. he raised his hand to get her attention and immediately felt nothing but pain in his chest once again. his mother looked at him and ran to his side, “tadashi, calm down. the doctors said that you shouldn’t move too much - your heart was beating too fast.” he frowned at her response. he hated this. couldn’t they just do something? he would do anything just to be normal. that’s all he wanted. 

_ tsukishima. oh my god.  _

_   
_ he ignored his multiple sparks of pain going through his chest and head to jump up from his resting spot. the machines began to beep a bit louder than before and his mother was nearly screaming at him to go back to resting. “tadashi, what do you think you’re doing?!” he was pacing around back and forth in his head, wondering what tsukishima was going to think once he found out that he was in the hospital. he couldn’t tell him. it would be too much on him. he knows that.   
“mom, please. we have to go home. i don’t want to be here. you can’t just ask them to give us some machines to take home? a nurse-at-home maybe? i just can’t be here. please.  _ please. _ ” his mother looked at him with remorse. she sighed, sitting back in her seat. he watched as she walked out of the room and he went back to staring at the pitch blackness behind his eyes. he refused to let tsukishima see him like this. tsukishima seemed to be going through enough and worrying about his boyfriend living or dying was not another thing he needed on his plate.

* * *

he walked into his house, watching his mother put some of his equipment down and prepare dinner. he sat on the couch, looking at the bruises he had accumulated on his legs once he had fallen on the floor that one night. yamaguchi felt nothing but anger. he was angry at the world for giving him this sickness. out of all the people that were given it, why was it him? was it another curse given to him? as if he wasn’t bullied enough in elementary school for his lankiness and his freckles.  _ but...that’s what tsukishima appreciates about me. he always compliments me on the things i’m most insecure about.  _ but this was something he couldn’t get complimented on. just worried comments from his boyfriend. nothing to be appreciative about. what the hell were you supposed to say about an irregular heartbeat? in fact, he didn’t want to tell tsukishima. he didn’t want to feel pity from someone who couldn’t understand what the situation was. all he’d ever felt from childhood was pity from others and something like this was just going to add onto it. he told hinata his situation and hinata gave him nothing but pity - when he presented it to his close friends akaashi and sugawara they just gave him pity as well. that’s not what he wanted. pity was a sign of weakness. yamaguchi didn’t want to look weak.  
he rose up from the couch and walked into the kitchen to accompany his mother. she seemed to be finishing with whatever she was making. he appreciated his mother. she did everything for him, from age zero. since he was young, it was always him and his mother. in fact, he wondered why she never showed her true feelings. he had never seen her cry nor had he ever seen her get mad at him. it’s like she refused to show weakness around him. “mom?” he questioned, his mother turning to stare at him. he could tell there was sadness in her eyes. “how come you’ve never cried in front of me?”   
something about that was disheartening. yamaguchi saw a tear trickle down her cheek, “you make me so happy all the time, tadashi. i never need to cry when you’re around.” she put down the spoon she was using and walked up to her son, “you’re always going to make me happy. you may be going through something right now, but you always come out on top, tadashi. you’re my son.” she kissed him on his forehead and continued her cooking, facing away from him. he could tell she was crying, but he refused to say anything. what hurt him most is that he was also hurting his mother and she couldn’t admit it. in fact, nobody could admit it. all thoughts about it left his mind once his mother presented him with onigiri and miyabi. his mother’s cooking was the best.

* * *

yamaguchi woke up in a sweat. he looked at the clock. 3am. he wasn’t sure why he was awake. the sounds of the crickets outside were soothing and the light from the moon was lighting up his room ever so slightly. as he turned to face the clock once again, he heard his phone go off.

**tsukki:** hi  
**tsukki:** are you ok  
**tsukki:** they said you were sick  
**tsukki:** i’m just checking  
**tsukki:** i know it’s 3am but i’ve been thinking a lot  
**tsukki:** tell me you’re ok  
**tsukki:** sorry, this is annoying

yamaguchi smiled at the multiple text messages from tsukishima. this wasn’t like him. he’s usually short when it comes to his text messages and he despises sending multiple texts as well. seeing a different side of tsukishima was heartwarming. 

**[me]:** i’m great! just got a bit of a cold, nothing too serious~ how was school today?  
**tsukki:** ok  
**tsukki:** wasn’t the same without you  
his heartbeat quickened.   
**[me]:** ah, tsukki~ i missed you, i’m going to see you in a few hours anyway! at-home remedies really do help. i practically healed overnight!   
**tsukki:** medically impossible  
**tsukki:** no kiss ig  
**tsukki:** i lied  
**tsukki:** you’re kisses make me happy  
**tsukki:** your*

yamaguchi giggled. it was cute to see tsukishima like this. they continued texting for a while, and soon enough it was 6am. he pulled himself out of bed and stared himself in the mirror. his eyes were hollow and the freckles that covered most of his body seemed darker. just one day and it was suddenly like the life force has been sucked out of him. he shook the thought of his health deteriorating and he ran into the bathroom, beginning to get ready.   
he walked into tsukishima’s yard, knocking on the door. his brother answered, starting immediately with “woah, you’re tadashi, right?”. it was shocking, even his boyfriend didn’t use his first name. it seemed disrespectful from his brother. he saw tsukishima behind him, pushing him from the door and raising his voice. yamaguchi was watching this all go down and all he could think about was eventually telling tsukishima about his sickness. how was he supposed to even bring it up? you can’t just suddenly drop on someone some heavy news while you’re taking an english exam.   
“hey, are you ready to go?” tsukishima stared down at yamaguchi, visible anger in his face. yamaguchi nodded and walked, multiple questions entering his mind. the biggest one sitting in the back of it.   
_ “how are you going to tell him about how sick you are?” _


End file.
